(The following guest blog post is rated PG13 for language, content and length. You see, Dan is a public educator who is forced to be [almost] completely appropriate during the school year. He is now on summer vacation. Consider yourself warned.
-KL)
SUMMER DAN GUEST
BLOGGIN'!!
Ever since the Leslie
family announced last year that they'd be moving to Alaska to expand their life
experiences and strengthen their careers as educators, I have felt a deep
desire to go and visit them. I'm the type of traveler who likes traveling
places not only to visit amazing places, but also to visit amazing people. This
was the perfect opportunity. So I enlisted the interest of my girlfriend and
fellow friend of the Leslie family, Chelsea, and we decided that our big summer
vacation would be to head to Alaska. We had a fabulous time not only checking
out our nation's 49th state, and certainly one of its oddest, but we also
immensely enjoyed the time spent with some great friends, especially Zigzag.
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| The one and only Zigzag |
Traveling to
Alaska
Early on, the
possibility of going to Alaska looked dismal as the prices out of Portland
International Airport were deemed too high for our budget. Getting there seemed to
be half the battle. Luckily, Seattle had a bevy of options so we grabbed some
cheap tickets on jetBlue and headed north! After our arrival in Anchorage, we
knew that we had a small flight to catch on a commuter plane south to the Kenai
Peninsula, home to some great breweries, lots of moose and mosquitos, and the
Leslie family. However, our flight left Seattle late and we did not have enough
time to make our connecting flight to Kenai. This meant we were spending the
night in the airport. We weren't the only ones. Ted Stevens International
Airport & Hotel was open for business!
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| Our first glimpse of Alaska! |
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This is a regular occurrence here at Ted Stevens
International Airport & Hotel
|
After getting a quick
three hour nap, we woke up with plenty of time to make our commuter flight to
Kenai. We then spent the first four days of our trip enjoying a lot of what the Kenai Peninsula has to offer from the Homer Spit to the Byron
Glacier. From there, we traveled north into
South-central Alaska for three nights and four days of fun in Denali National
Park and Preserve. As we drove back south, we realized that we could definitely
stay in Alaska for the whole summer and still not see half of what the state
has to offer visitors. For your reading pleasure, the following is a synopsis
of what Chelsea and I experienced on our visit to Alaska with the Leslie family!
Dark Underlying
Theme of Death on the Vacation
Throughout our visit
to Alaska, we were constantly faced with the prospect of dying. You see,
everything is not only bigger in Alaska, but more plentiful. Like the moose.
They're everywhere. Moose is what happened when a Jersey cow and a camel
procreated long ago. Just think about it... Anyways, the roads in
Alaska are quite wide and roughly 10-20 feet of foliage on both sides of the
highway are completely cleared to allow for a moose sighting as soon as
possible. Then there are the mosquitos. We were lucky to visit Alaska during an
abnormal, yet greatly appreciated, stretch of sunny bluebird hot weather.
However, we also had the luck of visiting Alaska after a winter that didn't
quite follow tradition and allowed for a bevy of mosquitos to wreak havoc on
every single part of my epidermis.
LOTS
OF MOSQUITOS!
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| First meal in Denali. |
Another way your life
could end in Alaska would be if a grizzly bear decided to maul you for no
apparent reason, especially if you simply
don't
follow the rules. On our visit to Denali National Park and Preserve, Chelsea
and I did observe a couple of grizzly bears. We were hiking the Triple Lakes
Trail south of the park's entrance and when we stopped to take a break from the
mosquitos and lingering heat on the top of the ridge. It was there that Chelsea
noticed large brown objects moving about the river and we determined that it
couldn't be a camel, an elephant, or a narwhal. They had to be grizzly bears. I
would be lying to you if I said my heart rate wasn't slightly elevated on the
rest of the hike, especially the part where we descended down to the river
banks.
You could be swept out to sea while you struggle to operate
your paddleboard against the destructive force of the wind.
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Kim, Summer Dan, and Chelsea stand-up paddleboarding off of the Homer Spit
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Your flight on a turboprop chicken coop from Anchorage to
Kenai could suddenly lose its thrust and slam into the Cook Inlet.
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Our plane from Anchorage to Kenai
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You could fall into a crevasse and never be heard from again.
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Averting crevasses and getting a snowtan!
|
You could drink too much and end up having a dress-up party
with a 4.5 year old.
I feel accomplished that I made it out of Alaska alive!
Visiting Alaska was an
amazing experience! However, we weren't the only ones that had the idea to fly
north for a part of our summer. In fact, five major airlines only operate at
the Anchorage airport seasonally. As we drove throughout the Kenai Peninsula
and into the wilderness of South-central Alaska via Alaska State Route 3, we
were surrounded by other people doing the exact same thing we were doing:
averting death! People rented R.V.s by the thousands. People wore fanny packs!
People stopped on the side of the road and took way too many pictures. People
complained about the heat. People paid for overpriced tchotchkes. People rode
in buses. People were bused into Denali National Park and Preserve by the
hundreds from their cruise ship docks. Tourists were everywhere! There was no
escape, that is unless you wanted to run into the wilderness and increase your
chance of DYING!
A mecca of the tourism
industry in Alaska is obviously the great outdoors. Alaska is home to a shit
ton of national parks. It's home to the three biggest national parks: 1)
Wrangell- St. Elias, 2) Gates of the Arctic, and 3) Denali. There are plenty
more. We traveled to Denali National Park and Preserve for a three night
camping bonanza. For those of you that are unaware of how Denali National Park
and Preserve works, it's roughly the size of Massachusetts and there's one road
into the park. Imagine Massholes trying to get into Boston using one road?!?!
Anyways, the public is not allowed to drive into the park past mile marker 15.
The only way in is to drop some money and take a bus into the park. Think
school bus because you're surrounded by people you don't like, but with a much
cooler bus driver, wildlife at every turn, better seats, the possibility of air
conditioning, bathroom breaks every hour, and the ability to stop the bus
whenever you want by yelling, "STOP! MOOSE AT 9 O'CLOCK! WAIT- MAYBE IT'S
A BEAR. NOPE! JUST A CARIBOU!" From the park entrance to the end of the
park road is a mere 92 mile bus ride.
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| Caribou |
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| Red Fox |
One of the highlights
of dealing with the tourism industry of Alaska came on our first afternoon of
camping at Wonder Lake campground deep within Denali National Park and
Preserve. Swarmed with mosquitoes and the record-breaking temperatures, we
decided to jump into Wonder Lake and enjoy an unseasonably comfortable float
sesh in Alaska in our undies. As we got out and began to dry off, a park bus
pulled up and unloaded dozens and dozens of tourists right on our little beach
that we were sharing with a cool couple from Ohio. There we were in our undies
instantly swarmed by- not mosquitoes- but by hoards of Princess Cruise lines
passengers. The best part was this guy:
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| American Tourist |
Upon getting off the
bus, this guy yelled to his wife, "YUP! YUP! THIS IS IT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING, BUT I CAME HERE TO GET SOME SHOTS- YOU DO NOT WANT TO FOLLOW
ME!" Then ignoring the colossal mountain behind him...
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Mt. McKinley or Mt. Denali
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Took a picture of this...
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A rare June reprieve in Wonder Lake
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Still awe-inspiring
for sure, but it certainly did not make sense how this guy and many other
tourists completely ignored the mountain and just snapped a picture of a lake
that could be any lake in New England. Ahhh tourists...
Car Games
When you visit Alaska
and have motivated your hosts to drive you all over the state,
[ii]
you're probably going to end up playing some roadtrip games. Allow me to go
over some of the games we played on the road.
Indigo Making Up Her Own Jokes- This involves Indigo just making up jokes and laughing herself silly.
Quite entertaining actually.
Using the Google Box to Look Up Appropriate Jokes- Some jokes, like "What's the difference
between jelly and jam?" are just too inappropriate to for a
four-and-half-year old. Thank god for the Google Box! All you have to do is
type in "Appropriate jokes for a four-year-old" into your smart
phone's web browser and enjoy the laughs. Our favorite joke was "What kind
of bees give milk? BOO-BEES!"
Sing-A-Long- Ok, so
we didn't play this in the car, but we played it in other locations and it's
just fun! Simply start singing old Disney or Salt 'N' Pepa songs and you're
bound to make the travel pass by quicker. Just make sure the songs are morally
sound and appropriate.[iii]
Anal Game- Before
Chelsea and I left Seattle to fly to the last frontier[iv],
our friends Mark and D told us of a really fun game; simply add the word
"anal" at the beginning of every car you see. Ford tends to have the
best cars to add the word "anal" onto like Anal Escape and Anal
Excursion. You could make the game even more fun when you place this simple
rule to R.V.s, which are plentiful in Alaska! You can come up with Anal
Rambler, Anal Cougar, Anal Allure. However, we took this game to whole new
levels when we were walking on the docks of the Homer Spit and decided
to add the word "anal" onto boat names! Anal Silver Fox,
Anal Deep Dive, Anal Stealth, Anal Reel Easy. It's pretty fun!
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The small boat harbor in Homer, Alaska
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Indigo's "Tell Me A Story" Game- Indigo loves hearing stories about other people's
childhoods. Chelsea enlightened with her many stories about growing up in Maine
and causing a ruckus with her three siblings. My favorite was the one where
Chelsea's mom left their older brother Justin on the side of the road because
he was teasing Chelsea. CLASSIC!
I Spy- It's simple.
Pick something out that you see and say, "I Spy..." and describe what
you see. It's the other person's job to use you descriptions to identify what
it is you spy. Just be warned- objects may change constantly when playing with
a four year old.
Silent Game- First
person to say something loses.
License Plate Game-
First person to see a license plate from every state and Washington D.C. wins!
This game is traditionally played between Memorial Day weekend and Labor Day
weekend because everyone is driving around in the summer. If anybody in the
Hood River area sees either a Delaware or Rhode Island license plate, please
text me immediately!
Brewery Reviews
Over the course of our
visit in Alaska, we had the pleasure of visiting six different breweries. At
one point Kim said, "We're just going to go ahead and assume that you have
no problem stopping at any brewery." Usually making assumptions, like the
time I assumed locking my babysitter out of the house because I didn't like her
would be acceptable, don't work out. However, this assumption worked out!
St. Elias Brewing, Soldotna,
Alaska- One of the beers at St. Elias is named "The
Melvinator" which is only funny for a couple of people that read this blog
that have a grandfather named Melvin who would never think to add
"-ator" onto his name. The brews were solid and there was a range
of them so 5,000 points. They also had really attractive waitresses for a 1,000
point bonus! But, they lost those 1,000 bonus points because they weren't
nearly as cool or as attentive as my girlfriend, Chelsea, is. However, the
mirror in the guy's bathroom was the best of the trip, so another 2,000 points.
Final score: 7,000 points.
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Me with Chelsea, my pretty cool girlfriend.
|
Homer Brewing Company,
Homer, Alaska- As I was standing in line to order a beer, the
woman in front of me inquired the bartender if they were currently selling
sausages. Much like how a dog jumps to attention at the sight of a squirrel, I
was immediately all ears. However, the dude that worked at the brewery grillin'
up sausages for the masses had just left to work his other job on the North
Slope of Alaska. (Much like many residents of the Kenai Peninsula, this
individual works for two weeks straight on the oil fields in Northern Alaska
then gets two weeks off. Instead of catching up on Price is Right episodes
during his two-weeks off, this dude grilled sausages at a brewing company.) The
marriage between me and my sausage, even though not yet recognized under
federal law, was not meant to be on our visit to Homer Brewing Company. My
final grade: 7/10.
Kassik's Brewing Company, Kenai, Alaska- I previously mentioned we visited six
breweries, but if you count closely, I look to be reviewing seven. I'll be
perfectly honest here; we never went to Kassik's.
However, I did try a couple of their beers in the form of 22
ounce bottles and they were not only delicious, but pretty god damn creative.
There are
Beavertail Blonde and Morningwood
IPA, the latter coming with the motto,
"Never let morning wood go to waste." For reasons that don't need
further reasoning, Kassik's scores an A+. [v]
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| Enough said. |
Denali Brewing Company,
Talkeetna, Alaska- This was a pretty cool spot, but using J
Leslie's Informal Guide to Evaluating the Three Bs (Businesses, Breweries, and
Brothels), it lost 1,000 points when it charged $2 for a sticker, which I
promptly lost, which equates to another 1,000 point deduction. However, the
beer garden was comfy, the staff rocked- our waitress had a tattoo of some
chemical component for attraction on her chest-, was attentive, and the town of
Talkeetna was pretty cool. Overall GPA: 3.65
49th State Brewing Company, Healy, Alaska- 49th State Brewing is located about
eight miles north of the entrance to Denali National Park and Preserve in
Healy, Alaska. But much like how Smugglers' Notch Vermont claims to be located
in the town of Smugglers' Notch Vermont and not actually Jeffersonville (05464 REPRESENTIN'!),
49th State Brewing Company advertises they're in Denali Park, Alaska, even
though they are clearly in Healy. This is a personal pet peeve of mine, as you
probably would've surmised if you're still reading this paragraph. Anyways,
because of their proximity to a National Park, sandwiches are $15 and entrees
are well over $20. Their front yard has a stage, a massive amount of games, a
patio with many tables for diners to take in what was then a unheard of 80
degree plus weather and eternal sun, a firepit, and the bus that was used in
the film
Into the Wild. The decor on the
inside was a mix of antlers, white lights, different empty 22 ounce bottles of
beer from throughout the world, and a massive whiskey selection that would make
any Portlander open a tab immediately. Plus, while we didn't get to experience
it on our visit, they had a massive party scene with bands playing constantly.
After all, going to 49th State Brewing instead of the Aramark-managed cafeteria
in Denali National Park would be a great choice. I ordered the pulled pork
special and I thought there could've been more pull to it instead of chunks.
Don't give me wrong here, I love chunks of swine dripping in sauce, but it
wasn't quite what I had envisioned when I ordered the pulled pork special. Plus, they certainly wouldn't have
broken the budget had they've put more fries on my plate. Therefore 49th State
Brewing earns 3 out of 5 stars.[vi]
Midnight Sun Brewing,
Anchorage, Alaska- We arrived at 7:54 PM and were informed they
closed at 8 and we already missed the last call for food. Pretty ironic that a
brewery with the name "Midnight Sun" is only open until 8PM. That was
a bummer. We definitely got the "Last Call You Walked In Right Before We
Close We Just Want to Go Home and Hit our Otter Box" treatment from our
waitress, which hurt their score. Final score: one thumb up.
[vii]
The Moose's Tooth, Anchorage,
Alaska- Due to the fact that were about to fall over the precipice
of Sanity and enter the dark realm of Hangry, we had to find another place to
get some grub after Midnight Sun Brewing had legally taken action to change
their name to 11AM-8PM Brewing. So we found ourselves at the Moose's Tooth. The
Moose's Tooth is an extremely popular craft beer and pizza joint, think chain
restaurant "We'll Give You A Pager When We Have Your Table Ready"
type busy. The pizza turned out great and even though our waitress forgot to put in our
order for mozzarella sticks, it worked out well. We had to leave due to my
increasing preflight anxiety. Overall, our visit to the Moose's Tooth was
solid.
[viii] And J informed me that the Moose's Tooth was part of the
inspiration for the Sawtooth Roadhouse in Parkdale, Oregon! They
received an overall score of 87.89%.
Guest Blogger
Summer Dan's Pop-Quiz
Congratulations! You've finished reading Summer Dan's Guest
Blog! It was certainly an almost insurmountable task that you've accomplished
with gusto. Actually, I'm shocked if anybody besides my mother is still reading
this blog entry. Now, for the pop quiz!
1.) According to Indigo, the definition of a
"testicle" is...
a. A weird penis
b. Her dad's preferred
hair style
c. A seagull's bladder
d. A sperm factory
2.) The walls of The Salty Dawg in Homer, Alaska are adorned
with dollar bills that patrons write messages on and tack up. Which wiseass
made the following statement (in grey) when I texted them and told them I would
have a difficult time finding the one they tacked up several years ago?
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I apologize for the language.
|
a. Chip Rogers
b. Scotti Conley
c. Betsy Harmon
d. Andy Roof
(Apparently they take
down most of the money at the end of every year and donate it to charity. J was
quick to quip that the owner's daughter is probably named Charity.)
3.) What does J Leslie refer to his family's pink comb by?
a. The Family Affair
Comb
b. Dirty Hippie's Comb
c. Livestock Comb
d. Socrates
4.) Denali National Park is home to Mt. McKinley, North
America's tallest mountain. The Natives affectionately refer to it is
"Denali" before the white folk had to go ahead and name it after a
loser of a president. According to the Natives, "Denali" means what?
a.) The Stoned One
b.) The High One
c.) The Blitzed One
d.) The Baked One
5.) Alaska is home to the following...
a. 5,421,245 moose
b. Sarah Palin
c. 'Merika!
d. All of the above
6.) What time was this picture taken?
a.) 7 AM
b.) 7 PM
c.) 11 PM
d.) Who the hell
really knows?!?!
Answers:
1.) A
2.) C
3.) C
4.) B
5.) D
6.) D
Scoring Guide:
0-2: I'm shocked you actually tried to take this test.
3-4: Ted Stevens is going to rise up from his grave to
high-five ya, brah!
5-6: You really scored this high?! You should be ashamed.
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The Guest Blogger with his girlfriend/I.S.P. (Intimate
Scrabble Partner) Chelsea, and the infamous Goaticorn of Finn's Pizza in Homer,
Alaska.
|
[i] Upon reflecting in awe on the huge amount of
tourists seen around the state, J was quick to point out that while the tourism
industry is massive, it pales in comparison with the oil industry.
[ii] Ok, we didn't drive over the "whole"
state, but we did put over 1,000 miles on Ice Cream Newton!
[iii] Alan Menken and Howard Ashman wrote the music
and lyrics for many of the Disney movies from the late 1980s and 1990s. They
were, undoubtedly, amazing at what they did. However, upon singing part of
Under
the Sea on the roadtrip, we realized that
the lyrics contained the following abrupt and scandalous lines: Darling
it's better/Down where it's wetter/Take it from me. Whoa...
[iv] The Final Frontier being space of course. Thank
you Gene Roddenberry. Thank you!
[v] For reasons that unfortunately don't need
explaining, Safeway and Wal-Mart refuse to sell beers from Kassik's Brewing
Company.
[viii] "Solid" as in an amazing thing to eat
after your red-eye flight lands in Seattle and you've just spent roughly 90
hung-the-hell-over minutes taking public transportation back to your friend's
place in the Greenwood district to get your car.
